I have been doing a lot of personal development work over the last 10 to 15 years. I have been willing to dig in when needed and have also done a lot of resisting along the way when the breakthroughs were close. I have often said, 'This work is not for the faint of heart”. Sometimes it requires digging really deep into areas that are uncomfortable and facing our fears and resistance in order to release the old beliefs and allow the new ones in. I have had the privilege of working with some amazing coaches, therapists, healers, teachers, and have an amazing supportive soul tribe. I know that sometimes I need to hear the same message 10 different times said 10 different ways or I need to be hit over the head with a rock to finally get it!
Well…I finally got hit over the head with a rock!
My amazing coach keeps saying to me “That’s a story”. To which I scream in my head– “NO! It is the truth”.......or at least it could be...... might be… As I resist what she is trying to teach me, I know there is some truth to it, so I am willing to consider the possibility that I do not need to always be prepared for (choose a catastrophe).
I am someone who plans.
I plan everything.
I have done it so effortlessly that it was my reality and it felt like the truth. In my mind, I could create issues or problems so I could solve them. I am the Queen of the “What if's?”
I am prepared.......
But for what?
I prepare for the worst, but when I look back at what I prepare for, I realize nothing usually happens. Or if the 'worst' happens, it is usually to make space for something better to come along. So all of the fear and resistance has been wasted energy. That ‘preparation’ has kept me paralyzed in fear. So, I am willing to consider that my stories might be holding me back and they may keep me from moving forward.
Recently I worked with a healer that helped me see something I have been working on in a different way. I've spent years trying to 'Be' more and 'Do' less. She pointed out that some of my ‘Being’ activities didn’t allow me to really 'Be'. She suggested that instead of guided meditations, or listening to music on a walk, I just spend time with me.
Just ME?
What?
Are you crazy?
She suggested that all of the external sounds and distractions took away from really going deep inside myself. So in my commitment to dig deep, I decided to give it a shot. I spent the last few days being quiet and minimizing external noise. I even shut my phone off for a couple of hours a day and tried to minimize my screen time. I sat in quiet contemplation reminding myself of the words of all the great teachers I have had the honor of learning from.
In my silent meditation yesterday, I had a thought pop into my head as thoughts always do during meditation. I realized I started to create a story around the situation. I actually event started to get upset based on the story I was creating. I asked for guidance and I heard,
“If you want peace, you must release.”
In that moment I decided to let go of the story I created. Throughout the meditation I kept reminding myself, “If you want peace, you must release.” I decided this would be my new mantra. When I find myself going into a story, I will ask myself, “Do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?” and "What do I know now for sure?"
“If you want peace, you must release.”
The stories I create keep me in fear and that has been holding me back. As I continue these silent meditations, fear continues to come up and when I ask my higher self, how to face this fear I get a message of something I need to do to change the story and face a fear.
A couple of years ago, Bill and I found a beautiful wooded trail at the end of our road. We love to walk it and have enjoyed being in nature with the water and the trees. It always felt amazing to be part of the earth. A story I have told myself is that I can't walk this trail alone. It is too secluded.
"What if I get hurt?"
"What if someone hurts me?" (I watch too many crime shows 😊)
A few months ago I went for a walk on this trail with a friend and we found ‘evidence’ that there were bears in the woods. My fear, along with the story I created around this, prevented me from wanting to go back. Last week Bill and I went for a short walk on the trail. My anticipation of a bear sighting made my fear a little overwhelming. My coach would ask, “What do you know is true right now?” So, I thought about this and what I know is that I have been told that bears are nocturnal. What I know is I have never seen an actual bear. Yet the story I told myself was that there were bears in the woods and I needed to be prepared. I went as far as asking Bill what we should do if a bear appears during our walk. I needed to be prepared and know what to do if a bear should appear – in daylight.
My fear of ‘what might happen’ stopped me from enjoying the walk and forced us to cut it short.
So the story I created prevented me from doing something I enjoy. I can't walk alone because ‘what if’ I get hurt, attacked, or even murdered? And to ensure that I don't do something I enjoy, I have added 'what if I get attacked by a bear?' to the story.
“If you want peace, you must release.”
During my meditation this morning I felt the fear as it crept in. I knew the message I was getting was to walk the trail by myself. This is something I have never done and, if truth be told, something I really didn’t even want to do. But ……
"If you want peace, you must release.”
So I decided I must release my fear. I must release the story of getting hurt, attacked, murdered or mauled by a bear.
I began the morning with my normal walk in the neighborhood except this time I walked in the direction opposite than I normally do. I am not sure why I did this, but it felt right. I always find it interesting how the same street can look different based on the direction you are going. During the walk, I saw a gaggle of geese and a frog. I have never seen these before on a walk. I was really surprised by the geese because there is no water around.
I looked up the spiritual meanings of both.
Geese are about protecting what is important and also determining whether or not it is important. They are brave and loyal.
Frog is about cleansing and finding a way to rid yourself of distraction. It went on to talk about replacing the mud with clear energy and then replenishing your body, mind, and soul
I laughed because the stories I create are an amazing distraction.. and they keep me in the mud. So once I clear the mud, my body, mind and soul will be replenished.
“If you want peace, you must release.”
As I continued my walk I headed towards the trail. I thought, "I can do this! It is just a story." As I approached the entrance, I saw a rock and it had the word “Hi” painted on it. It made me smile and it felt welcoming. I could feel the fear creeping up as I moved toward the trail. There are two ways to enter the trail. For some reason, I chose to do the one that is usually the exit point for us when we walk. I guess this was a day of going in the opposite direction. If you are going to to shake things up, you need to do something different!
As I started on the path, my breathing changed. I felt constricted and struggled for air. I knew it was the fear. I kept reminding myself that what I believed to be true were only stories that I created. I was scared, but it was the stories I told myself that made me afraid. I realized I didn’t need to walk the whole path. I just need to go in and face my fear. The fear was real and I wasn’t sure how far I could go. I went into the path thinking ‘if I can get five minutes in and not see the street it’s a big win’. I started walking and I knew that as long as I felt fear I wouldn’t be able to move forward in any area of my life. I knew I needed to release the fear in the woods.
“If you want peace, you must release.”
As I continued to walk, I could feel the fear lessen. I had conversations with the Divine (God, Goddess, Spirit, Universe – whoever you choose to connect with). As I asked for guidance, I saw arrows marked along the trail showing me the direction I should go. After about 15 minutes of walking, I knew I was about halfway through the trail and that I was going to finish it and come out on the other side. I did my best to enjoy the scenery and take in the beauty of nature. I realized how much the stories I had been creating were holding me back and as I continued on the trail, I reconciled that I was done with the stories. I knew it will be difficult at times, but I decided that I am more committed to not being afraid than I am of being prepared for what (might) happen
“If you want peace, you must release.”
The spot that was my exit from the trail today had always been my entrance to the trail. For some Divine reason today, this was my path. As I moved towards the exit of the trail, I thought,
"I DID IT!"
I looked down and I saw another painted rock. I could not believe what I saw. I realized that there is a purpose in everything and the Divine always has our back. We just need to trust. My stories were because I didn’t trust and because of that I needed to be prepared for anything that might come up. After today, I am learning to trust. I realized they are just stories that I can now release. Whatever happens, I can and will deal with it when, and if, it happens. Planning for the worst does not prevent it from happening, but it does prevent you from being in the present moment and enjoying what is happening right now.
As I got closer, I looked down at the rock painted purple and saw that the white lettering read.......
“If you want peace, you must release.”
If this resonated with you and you want to know how you can find your own peace, let's talk.
Schedule a time to talk with me and see what you need to release to find peace.
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