What Makes Me Enough?
What makes you enough?
This question sucker punched me a couple of weeks ago.
I was laid off from my full-time job in December. In theory, I have been practicing for lock-down since before it became trendy. As a person who is always “doing”, I have actually been enjoying the down time. It has given me permission to slow down.
I meditate and journal more.
I read almost every day
I am working out more
I am (virtually) connecting with friends more.
Most days, I feel good during the forced slowdown of life, but there were a few days last month that I wasn’t feeling so good about anything. I was tired and groggy. I wasn’t motivated. I slept later than usual. For me that felt like an unproductive waste of my day. I beat myself up that I didn’t get up earlier. I told myself that I need to be productive and “do” something.
But what was it that I needed to do?
I discussed this with a friend, and she reminded me that this is a time to recharge. I know this to be true but still couldn’t figure out why I still felt this way.
When I worked full time, I ran operations teams. I am the problem solver. I see the big picture and know what needs to be done to solve an issue. My team worked together. I loved it when we could look back and feel accomplished.
I discussed the pandemic with a friend. I told her this is a time when us “Ops people” really shine. We are the ones that thrive on fixing problems. I think of myself as a logistical genius. I am the person you want during a crisis. Give me a problem and I can come up with a solution, or at least options to fix it. It can be anything from how to make my “to do” list efficient to how do we improve our processes in an organization. No matter what it is that I am doing, I am always trying to figure out the best way to do it.
Then it hit me! We are in the midst of biggest crisis on the planet right now and the following questions plagued me:
· What is my role in this?
· What can I fix?
· Who can I help?
I realized there is nothing for me to fix. So, what is my purpose?
It was time to journal and meditate.
I asked the question, “Who would I be if I couldn’t fix everything?” I wondered, if there is nothing for me to fix, why do I exist?
· Do people still like me?
· What is my worth?
· What is my value to others?
· Who am I if I am not doing something?
· Do people need me if I am not fixing something for them?
All of these questions came up.
And I realized….
· My job does not define me.
· My title does not define me.
· What I do for others does not define me is
· My value is my based on who I am not what I do.
During my journal session, I took the advice of a friend and set a 2-minute timer and listed everything that came to mind when I asked the question. I wrote as much as I could think of and the last word, before the timer went off was, “enough”. That word was like a sucker punched in the gut.
I AM ENOUGH by just being me.
I know this to be true, yet I forget it often. It takes practice to remind myself of this. I am committed to reminding myself of this. I am committed to remembering that once the world goes back to the “new normal”. I am still enough by just existing in the world.
I do not need to DO anything except BE ME!